A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
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