whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
