Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
