Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
