you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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