I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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