Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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