Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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