my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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