***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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