Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
