I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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