It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
