dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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