I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
