so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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