I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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