I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
