so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
