I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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