I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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