so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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