I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
