For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
