you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
