I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
