it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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