he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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