looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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