1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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