my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
