Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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