she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize