There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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