Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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