Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
