you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
