when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
