I'm going to jail i love you
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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