Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
