if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
In America we eat man semen.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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