Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
