Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
