Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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