bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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