I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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