Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
