just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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