so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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