when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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