Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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