why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
