Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
