my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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