I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
why do cheetos always look like penises
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
whose parrot is this?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
