I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
