Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
