your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize