You smell like stripper and shame
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
