I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize
