dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
