How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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